[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
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inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…