me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
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“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
If only
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend