Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
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I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.