Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
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“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?