Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
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Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly