*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
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Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
For the ones in the back.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.