[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?