I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
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[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
wtf management?!
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
channeling her this year
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..