ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
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I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
It was worth a shot 😂
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”