Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
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Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Worst perfume name ever.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
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