The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
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Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.