My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
You Might Also Like
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.