Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
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Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.