Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
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If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
#oldknees
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.