*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
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How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.