If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
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They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Looking at you, Jesus.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
m’lady
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
was Jim off killing horses or…
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.