Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
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Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.