The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
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My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Jail
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.