The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
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If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
OH. COME. ON.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
this is the best day of my life
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.