I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
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My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.