Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
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Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
somebody come look at this
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
This is always good for a laugh.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.