I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
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I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
We’re all getting idioter.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.