Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
You Might Also Like
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Hero horse inspires millions
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES