Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
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“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Confused owl: What?!
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*