If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
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Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Florida be like…
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”