If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
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Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I know karate and tons of other words.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.