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H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
#parenting
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.