It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
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pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.