Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
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ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
How funny!
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.