The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
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Things will get butter, keep churning
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that