“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
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[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
sry
me, after any kind of buffet.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”