Wise advice
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WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
the answer was staring at me all along
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”