Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
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please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Lucky old June.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.