Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
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My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
fourth time’s the charm
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is