Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
You Might Also Like
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
For those that worship cheese..
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
this has to be peak English
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Very problematic
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.