ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
You Might Also Like
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.