“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
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Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield