#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
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Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Florida be like…
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.