I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
You Might Also Like
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
What is going on? 😅
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.