Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
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This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Never be a pizza!
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments