My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
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Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Damn what did I do next
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.