forgive me baja for i have blast
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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.