One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
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You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Kids: Stay in school.