It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
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Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers