I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
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next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.