Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
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*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
New tinder profile pic
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count