Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
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Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Stephen King ruined corn children for me