2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
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the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.