Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
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For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
They also CAN sing✌️
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.