“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
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My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
stop
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
File under excellent bookstore names.